Irony Personified. The relationship between the underlying causation of major depressive disorder and the grossly abusive and substandard conditions at The Arizona State Hospital. 

Wherein, I illustrate the fact that the psychological, emotional, and in at least two events, physical abuse that I experienced  while hospitalized in the state of Arizona's sole long term public mental heath facility not only triggered my most deep set memories of abuse that I suffered as a child (and did in fact trigger/worsen acute suicidal ideation that had effectively begun ebbing somewhat- until that point in time that I was admitted to ASH); but went even further in terms of me recalling my most heartfelt concerns for any person(s) affected by clear and potentially harmful disadvantage. As in the "weak", or otherwise at-risk human beings, who I- as an abused child- realized the hard way are in perpetually need of protection from individuals capable of abusive behavior, as described herein. Concerns that I came to understand well before adulthood, in relation to my learned recognition of how damaging such abuse is, in fact. It took licensed medical practitioners working at The Arizona State hospital who are willing to flaunt their disregard of civility and established heath care standards, in language that was tantamount to "This is how it is, and there it nothing you can do about it", all of it 100% on point with how I was treated as an abused child. Ironic, to say that least, that being reminded of these things serves as the basis of my work today, specific to doing all that I can to show those wrongdoers that there is, in fact, quite a bit I can do in order to bring about the due oversight and accountability in this context.  

I spent the first five months of my total time at The Arizona State Hospital on the Palo Verde (east) unit, as per the direction of my referring psychiatrist in Tucson, Dr. Stoker (University of Arizona Medical Center), who specifically requested that I be placed and treated in the most peaceful and reasonably safe setting at ASH, this as per my personal history, related diagnosis and behavioral characteristics; including the simple fact that I was physically and psychologically abused as a child, and the attendant fact that I have no history of engaging in violent are aberrant behavior (outside of suicidal ideation). In the eight months that I spent in Tucson areas mental health facilities (pre-ASH), these aspects of my history and related behavioral characteristics had been clearly established, and included as such in my various pre-ASH hospital records. While on the Palo Verde unit, I experienced an immediate form of psychological abuse (ridicule in relation to reasonable worry that I about other ASH patients), imparted by a virtually ancient charge nurse named Peggy, that was on point with the abuse I suffered as a boy (ridicule, neglect, and related abuse imparted on me by a parent when I was a young boy). This particular incident included me being ridiculed (by her) because I was basically spooked by the atmosphere at ASH, again, in my first few days in a full on insane asylum, for the first time in my then 49 year old life. I had requested the option to remain on the Palo Verde unit for dinner, rather than having ot go into the outside grounds of ASH where a common cafeteria exists, simply because I was not yet familiar with ASH and had very real worry about the possible hazards; and this craggy old white haired nurse, Peggy, literally expressed sarcastic comments that I know were designed to antagonize, shame, and/or otherwise make me feel as though my concerns were not deserving of basic respect. At the time, I was downright shocked by this woman's attitude, for it was clear to me that she intended to harm whatever sense of safety I actually had at the time, presuming as I did that should I be afraid of venturing out into the wider patient community at ASH, staff would respect me, and grant me the simple request to remain on the unit at that time. ASH patients do as a matter of fact have the option and right to eat either on their assigned unit, or in the common cafeteria setting. But as I learned, this nurse shared the some willingness to psychologically abuse her patients that many of the nursing and technician staff at ASH possess. I attest to witnessing and experiencing her ineptitude and arguable cruelty on regular basis. It is that bad. 

Not long after that, another Palo Verde (east) charge nurse named Mary Ann literally screamed at me because I sought to be given a sleeping medication immediately before actually going to bed, which is precisely when the medication in this case is designed to be taken. This nurse was anxious to get out the door, and my request to take this medication arose about 10-15 minutes before her shift end (10:45 p.m.). Rather than calmly state her wishes in that context, this particular charge nurse exploded in a fit of rage, screaming at the top of her lungs "You have too too much nerve! How dare you make me do this right before I get off! You are going to learn to take direction!" This exhibition of violent behavior basically freaked me out, and in the ensuing hour or so, as I went to bed, I experienced the same physiological responses that I experienced when, as a young boy, one of my parents fell into a pattern psychological (screaming, threatening), emotional (ridiculing, threatening) , and at times physical abuse. Along with one incident of sexual abuse when I was 6 year old, these elements of my personal history have everything to do with the manifestation of major depressive disorder in my psychological condition, including my deeply embedded suicidal ideation. This was not the only time that the nurse Mary Ann blew her lid in this manner (but to memory, it was the first such event in her specific case); and as time passed, she was actually reprimanded at one point (in tandem with the aforementioned Peggy ) in direct relation to a violation of my fundamental civil rights (to contact a state patient rights' advocacy office via telephone at anytime, versus arguably unreasonable rules and restrictions on phone use); following my having reported this violation of my civil rights, ASH staff were ordered to post signs above the patient telephones that state the legally based fact that any ASH patient has the unalienable right to contact legal or advocacy based agencies/individuals at any point in time they so wish. I attest to this, and I have the data to prove it.  

IRONY PERSONIFIED.

I mention these two simple examples of staff misconduct at ASH for the following reason: 

My motivation to take on the task of addressing and exposing the substandard conditions at ASH arose directly out of my being triggered by this abuse, as it relates to abuse in my childhood which is known today as underlying my symptoms specific to major depressive disorder, and associated traits, including mild to moderate PTSD, and acute/chronic suicidal ideation. The irony herein is clear, for it took me being abused again- just as I was as a young child- for me to attain a basic understanding of this very detail of my state of mind and emotions, in the context of my very real diagnosis and related mental health treatment needs today. And much as I recognized as a boy, the deeply unjust and harmful impacts of these forms of grossly unjust such abuse (which did in fact lead me to seriously consider suicide at the age of thirteen), I again sensed this while at ASH, where the abuse I experienced in these sorts of instances triggered the same neurological disturbances that arose when my older family members abused me well over 40 years ago. This realization taught me the hard way how damaging such mistreatment is, but it took being subjected to such abuse as an adult patient in Arizona's sole long term public mental health hospital to see this, in fact. Ironically indeed, unexpectedly and undesirably (quite frankly), as I struggled to understand my own personal needs in the context of my mental health, these patterns of abuse at ASH led me straight into my work today, as it stands. For I know today that the highest ranking clinical staff at ASH willfully abuse the emotional and psychological challenges that all ASH patients have to live with day in and day out, and this abuse occurs with direct complicity of ASH's administrative staff. In my own case, during my time at ASH, I did consider a means to take my life on the basis of my feeling as though the greater world around me has no interest in whether I live or die, and there is no more clear evidence specific to my thinking then, than the grossly depraved misconduct of ASH staff, as it arises on a daily level, and as illustrated in these 2 basic examples. Suffice it to say, my records and overall writing to date is rife with such examples, including names and dates. Herein the identifiable crisis that I am seeking to resolve.

IN CLOSING: There are many good people working at The Arizona State Hospital (and you know who you are- Jewels in the Desert!). But due to the presence of senior clinical staff who have virtual control/power over the majority of lower ranking staff, and who as exemplified above, are basically accustomed to treating ASH patients like dirt, such "good people" are the minority. I am convinced that the only way to advance in staff hierarchy at ASH is by cooperating with the highly unlawful misconduct of ASH administrators and senior clinical staff. This particular dynamic was exposed by the dishonesty of Hospital administrators such as former ASH supervisor Cory "crazycorycorner" Nelson, exhibited/proven in recent Phoenix ABC Ch15 news reports), wherein it was shown that ASH staff as a whole are threatened by the possibility of being fired, should they raise their voice in terms of speaking out against the deplorable conditions at ASH, whether or not specific to patient needs, of those of ASH staff. In my case, I was initially faced with the illegitimate recommendation of Laxman Patel that I be discharged, in spite of still being acutely suicidal; and later, very clear retaliation that was imparted on me by former ASH Chief Medical Officer Dr. Steven Dingle, and Cory Nelson (yet another example of tandem participation in these practices, as illustrated above by two ASH charge nurses, above). To date,  I think of the better staff at ASH everyday, as I work to maintain a dedication to seeing that the one's most responsible in for these issues be brought to justice, via direct oversight and accountability, as per the letter of law in any modern society. 
In with the good, out with the bad, in other words. 

For if not for the better staff at ASH, I might still be mired in the substandard care practices and conditions at ASH. Or, as a matter of fact, dead today. I will never forget that, or them. 

The fact is, I hold the good people in a state of sincere esteem, appreciation, and at times, outright awe. I could not do what they do. Jewels in the Desert, each and every one of them.   

paoloreed@gmail.com